Sunday, September 25, 2011

Top Ten Things They Don't Tell You About Pregnancy

A big welcome to Tiffany from Raising Paityn
Thanks for being a Zoo Guest today Tiffany!

Top Ten Things They Don't Tell You About Pregnancy

It's easy to find information on pregnancy, but it's rare to find the raw truth.  For instance, everyone has heard how pregnant women are forgetful and lose their train of thought.  Sounds kind of adorable, right?  Wait until you are standing in the middle of Target with an empty cart and absolutely no recollection of what you came to get.  Or, when you are giving an important work presentation, and you get stuck remembering the word "is."

They tell you that you have to pee a lot.  What they don't tell you is that when the urge to pee arises, you will absolutely, positively have to reach a toilet in 30 seconds or less because that's about as long as you are going to be able to hold it.  Factor 10 seconds less if your baby is using your bladder as a bouncy house for his or her daily exercise. 

Here are ten things that they don't tell you about being pregnant; you may think you have you heard some, but you probably haven't heard the whole story.

10.  You gain weight.

Yeah, yeah, I know that statement seems pretty obvious, but before you roll your eyes at me, think about it.  I'm talking a serious amount of weight gain in a very short time, mostly sticking straight out in front of you.  At one point, I gained seven pounds in one week!  Seven!  Do you know what that does to your center of balance?

Not to mention your butt?

Well, I do, but I'm sparing you that picture.

And on a post-pregnancy note, that whole "Nine months on, nine months off?"  So not true.  Two years later, I'm still working on it.  What they don't tell you is you actually need free time to work out; I wish you best of luck with that one, and if you figure that out, please drop me a line.  I'd love to learn your magic secrets.

9.  All those pictures of pregnant women trotting around looking so cute in their rounded bellies and high heels?  At some point, most pregnant women are lucky to fit into any shoes.

Hence, the Uggs on the beach.  One entire size larger than normal.

8.  "Morning sickness" was given its name by a man.  I'm convinced.   It's all day and all night, all the time, never ending sickness.

And by the way, I wish they wouldn't keep telling you that it goes away after the first trimester. It doesn't.  They lied.

7.  Forget food cravings, it's the food aversions that should get the attention.  For nine months, just the thought of chicken made me physically nauseated.... okay, well, more nauseated than I already was.  

Food cravings are cute and adorable and make for funny stories of husbands running out at midnight for pickles and chocolate.  Food aversions are crippling and random.  I couldn't cook for my entire pregnancy and could barely stand being in a restaurant.  If someone near me ordered chicken, forget it.  All bets were off.

6.  You will feel more tired than you ever have at any point in your life.  (Of course, that's because you haven't actually had the baby yet, but that's for another list.)

Growing a person is a lot of hard work, and it's very tiring.  That's why you can't stop passing out on the couch 10 minutes into the 8:00 comedy block on NBC.

It's ok.  Really.  Sleep now while you still can because...

5.  Eventually, you won't be able to.  Midway through your second trimester, sleep becomes difficult.  The only comfortable position is like this:

They tell you to always lay on your left side.  That's possible until you go completely numb. But after so long, you start to get really sore on both sides, laying on your back makes you feel like a beached whale, and you wonder if maybe, just maybe, you could possibly pile enough pillows under and around you to sleep on your belly.  Don't bother trying.  It doesn't work. I know.  I tried.

Anyway, even if it did work, as soon as you got comfortable, you'd have to get up to pee.  Every hour. 

Or else, your baby will be dancing and playing.

Or, you will wake up with the worst charlie horse you have ever experienced in your entire life. You will writhe around on the bed in utter agony, your snoring spouse dreaming blissfully on, unaware of your pain and suffering.

4.  Remember number 9?  About not fitting into normal shoes?  As your pregnancy goes along, you may become increasingly swollen.  Probably not as swollen as me.  And probably not starting in the fourth month, like me.  I don't think anyone can be as swollen as I was without exploding.  I often worried I might.  The water I was retaining could have swept away a small village.

I was graced with the nickname "Shrek" by one of my co-workers.  The following picture might enlighten you as to the cause of that endearing nickname.  I warn you- the following is not for the faint of heart.  I would also like to say that this is actually on a good day.  I was frequently more swollen, but I just can't bring myself to share those pictures.

Yes, I do believe the ground shook slightly as I walked.

But please notice the lovely pedicure job, which leads into number three.

3. You don't appreciate your waist until you lose it.  It serves a very valuable function, allowing you to bend and reach things, like your toenails to paint them, or the pen you dropped at work, or to get up from a seat without having two people grab you on either side and pull, all the while grunting and straining with the extreme effort.

See, no waist.  I missed my waist.

I did like having an excuse to get pedicures, though.

2. Walking eventually becomes impossible, whereupon, you develop the pregnancy waddle.  And your husband, if he's anything like mine, will tease you mercilessly.  He'll taunt you just out of swattable reach, and it will be far too much effort to try to get closer, and besides, you'll just have to waddle to do it, and that will start it all up again.

The waddle is inevitable.  It cannot be avoided.

Hopefully, unlike me, you will not be forced to develop the pregnancy waddle during your fifth month.  Or endure all your male co-workers simultaneously teasing you for it and telling you how cute it really is.

1.  Everyone tells you, but you can't ever really know how incredibly amazing it is to hold your newborn baby in your arms the moment after birth.  Words can't begin to describe it.  It makes every discomfort of the previous nine months and the pain of labor all completely worth it.  Without a doubt.  They pale in comparison to the magic that is your baby- the little person you created and grew and nurtured.

It's amazing.

And you realize none of the other nine things matter in the least.  

You have your little love.  A piece of you.

I am a first-time mama to a beautiful two year old daughter who encompasses my whole world. (What mom can't relate to that!)  When I'm not busy working, being a mama, or playing wife to my wonderful husband, I love to write for my blog, Raising Paityn.  They say to write about what you know, and I know all about being a first-time mom, knowing absolutely nothing, and learning it all as we go.